Christmas Presents

So many chances to tell everyone what's on my Christmas list.  I decided this year that no one that I knew would buy LeeLee what she wanted and since I know her mind, I shopped for her.  Whenever I shopped for a lady gift, I got one for LeeLee too.  If a store or web site had a great Christmas bargain for clothes, makeup or accessories, LeeLee got some.

So without spoiling her Christmas I can say that LeeLee got some great new tops in spicy colors, a pair of pants in basic black, some leggings to go with an skirt and sweater she already has, some new hose, a clutch in faux gator and some great Estee Lauder gift sets in lipstick, eyeshadow and gloss.

When she dresses up, we'll have some new pix to post.

More random thinkings

It has been awhile since I've been "home alone" and had a chance to loose LeeLee for more than a moment or two so here's some thoughts the girl's been having.

I've read in several places the benefits of breast massage for increasing and toning the breast.  Being a big girl I've always had some breasts and I have spent several weeks massaging them to see what might happen.  It actually does seem to be having some effect.  When I dressed up today I am filling my bra better even without the breast forms.  When I "push up" there is more fullness.  What I've often tried to hide with poor posture, I am now enjoying and standing tall to admire.

I enjoy making jewelry.  I also enjoy wearing it when I have the chance.  I have made myself several necklaces that I can wear in guy mode and I've also made some just for LeeLee.  I ponder sometimes if my inclination to crossdress and display my feminine self is why I enjoy the creating of jewelry, cooking, buying shoes, etc. or if my enjoyment of these so called feminine pursuits has led me to the desire to crossdress.  It's a variation on the chicken and the egg debate which I won't pursue but will ponder on occasion.

So much for random thinkings.  Here's a picture of one of my recent designs.  I think it looks great on me.

Happy Halloween!!!

Make it last all weekend!

Kisses All!!!

Decided to do some self-portraits today and to show off some of the turquoise jewelry I made.

For the Very First Time

When I first began this journey I blogged that I had no desire to pass in public and that a safe haven to explore was my only desire.  That is largely true even today but recently I have had a compelling desire to take LeeLee into public but inconspicuously.  This plan began to take shape as I planned for a visit to my mentor and encourager Mistress S.  I was going to be home alone for about an hour before I needed to leave and I felt that I could actually do this.

This morning was LeeLee's debut.  Butterflies don't begin to describe what was going on inside as I began dressing.  The makeup went on pretty well - nothing fancy today and definitely no mascara to glob on me.  If you've heard people say their heart was pounding, that is where I was at by the time I got to the lipstick.  Maybe the tympani solo in the 1812 Overture would be more fitting!  Trembling hands were in there too.  Twice I was sure I could clean me up and put on my guy clothes and still get there in time.  But I persisted - wig, black knee highs, jeans, slip-on wedges and an off-white tunic.  LeeLee was in the house, dressed and looking pretty good but she had to get her butt out of the house now.

Opening the front door (no one in sight) and trying to walk casually to the driveway seemed easy enough since my heart was still beating in cut time to pace me.  OK, that's good so far, but drive out of the neighborhood the back way where no one would recognize the car if they happened to be out.  So far, so good I think, I'm on the highway now.  But wait, the cars and trucks are going to pass me!!  EEK!!! I thinks.  Judiciously varying my speed as they pass by and learning that hair twirling can be useful in remaining undercover I make it into town.

CRAP!!  Stoplights and construction traffic merges and people walking by only a few feet away.  Twirl the hair some more - careful don't pull the wig off.  WHEW!! There's a parking place right near the door to Mistress's building.  WHOOPS, she's not quite ready and it's raining and there are 3 contractor guys loading pallets into Volvos.  Twirl hair, pull down the visor, put on some more lipgloss, twirl hair.  Finally they pull away.  Mistress appears at the door (in very cool pink knee socks which I'd love to have)  and I casually power walk across the street to safety!

All in all an incredible montage of exhilaration, terror and satisfaction.  What a rush!!!  Still I'm not not looking to pass, just sneak by! :)

Random Thoughts

Last week I had a few hours alone and got to try on a new outfit - black sweater, red and black houndstooth skirt, black textured hose and some new shoes (there's a picture on the sidebar of these) with 4 inch heels.  I did look pretty fine IMHO.  The shoes were great and I didn't fall or stumble.  I'm proud of me as I'm usually clumsy in taller heels.

I got some beard concealer (Ben Nye) from an Amazon.com makeup store.  It works pretty well as a foundation base.

I'm going to see Mistress S in a few days.  I'm thinking about donning wig and a tunic top over jeans and driving there en femme.  It's a little scary especially if parking is bad but the urge may win out.  I've never been in public in my female persona so I'd like to try sometime.  Hopefully there will be a parking place near her building's door.  I'll post later and tell what happened.

A Cautionary Tale

I came to a point a couple of weeks ago where I decided that chest hair was not aesthetically pleasing sticking out of lingerie.  I have been wearing opaque briefers which include the bra and covered down to the crotch. This hid man hair except on the upper chest.  Waxing did not appeal to me so I tried shaving the area.  That worked well except to my surprise I had a chest full of stubble the next day.  I had no idea that chest hair grew that quickly.

I decided to try a hair remover and since my skin tends to be rather sensitive, I did a little research and bought one that promised to be gentle.  I followed the directions carefully and about 10 minutes after the application of the cream, I wiped off the hair.  Wow, smooth, nice!!

I showered and when I dried off, my chest was a little red.  OK, thinks me, that's probably normal and it will be fine in the morning.  In the morning I ran my hand over the area before I got up and was pleased to find no stubble.  When I got to the mirror, I was startled to see that my chest was indeed smooth like a baby's bottom - a baby with a serious case of diaper rash.  I was covered with a red rash over the entire area that I had treated the night before.  No hair just red and itchy!!!

The itch went away after 2 days of allergy ointments and the rash died down to a cluster of red bumps after 2 more days.  The bumps cleared up in about a week about the same time the stubble returned.

Better living through chemistry - NOT!!!

Ahh

Alone at last and LeeLee's loose around the house.  Getting fixed up all the way is more fun than I could have imagined a few months ago.  I've had time to try out some new looks.  I even got my eyes looking pretty good IMHO.  Gave myself a manicure too.  Very nice morning!!!

I think that my skin care regimen that I've adopted for the past couple of months has done well and my makeup really goes on smoother and looks better.  I even seem to notice improvement in my under eye wrinkles.  The skin is definitely smoother and better looking with and without makeup.

All in all this has been a fine, fine day.

Finally - Getting the Girl Out With the Girl

It has been a long time since my last posting.   Life has been complex with family members being ill and needing my time and attention.  This is a recurring thing lately.  The opportunity to dress up and relax has just not been there.  I squeezed in some time to try out some new makeup and shoes but these have been quick and not relaxing at all wondering if someone would come in or up the stairs.  I suppose that a closet CD must face these anxious moments from time to time but it seems that I should be able to carve out a little time alone.  Alas, not so of late.

On the high side of things I was able to visit with the ever wonderful Mistress S a few days ago.  She is so comfortable to be with.  We had some splendid tea and some very chunky peach salsa that she had made.

She is the only person so far who makes it so easy to fit into LeeLee's persona.  I am ever grateful for her acceptance and encouragement.  Mistress S was getting ready to travel to Tampa for the 2008 FetishCon.  We had the chance to talk about it as we listened to a real record that she'd gotten recently - Jefferson Airplane (might have been the Starship incarnation).  We got to talk of music, food, bio diesel cars and lots more.  I will say again that it is a wonderful to be able to chat girl to girl and feel so much enjoyment and acceptance.

This weekend should provide some time for me to be alone for a few hours and be able to let LeeLee loose around the house. I found some really fine Carlo di Roma makeup on sale on eBay.  It is really great stuff and only available in Europe.  I am looking forward to trying it out.

My Foot Fetish ? ? ?

It's probably not really a fetish, but what is it that compels me to shop shoe bargains.  In my male persona I may buy a pair of shoes every year or two.  When Leelee takes over, I'm shopping in shoe stores, online, anywhere there is a great bargain on shoes.  Today I got an email from a web site where I've shopped for some ladies wear in the past.  It was advertising 20% off the first item you buy and 40% off the third item.  Sounds great so where do I head but the the clearance shoes.  After all, 40% off a clearance is a great deal.

I plan the purchases so that my first buy is for a pair of wedge sandals already on sale for under $25.  The third item is a pair of pearl pumps with an ankle strap on sale for under $35 but NOW 40% off.  My breathing is heavy!

What you may ask was my second item at regular price?  A pair of shorts the the guy in me - $5.99.

Again I ponder, what compels the lady in me to be so drawn to shoes.  Maybe because they are so cute; maybe because they look so good on me; maybe because a girl needs comfy shoes for every occasion - I don't know but I think I do know why the ladies' shoe department is so much larger that the men's in every shoe store I have ever been in!

Shoe Whores of the World - you've got a new member :)  Don't get in my way in the clearance aisle! 

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

There hasn't been a lot of time to write this past week and even less to think about what I would like to write.  This evening I had an idea start to crawl around in my head and I decided to sit down and see if I could turn it into words.  I thought I'd take a quick look at Mistress S's blog before I started.  She's added a playlist to her sidebar and the second song that turned up on the list was "Ain't No Sunshine..." by Al Green.  I love that version of this song and I let it play for a minute.  Out of the lyrics as Al Green sang came the reality of the idea that had been toying with me.

For a really long time the essence that has become LeeLee has been hiding out in a side of me that I had been denying.  As I said in a previous post, embarking on the cross dressing life, even in a small way, came from an unexpected combination of circumstances.  Once I embraced the femme side of myself, I found a new "sunshine" that chased away a shadow that I'd lived with for so long.  Today, I realize that this part of me that I can now embrace and cherish is what has filled me up and made my "house" (that's me) a "home" (that's me with LeeLee in my mind).

I know, I know, I know, I know that this time she's going to stay!

What's Normal??

The home place is not normal tonight - there's just me and some animals since family is gone until tomorrow.  It is a good evening to dress up and try out a new wig and body shaper that I have gotten recently.  I like them both and have enjoyed the opportunity to get fancy and spend a few hours in LeeLee's world.

I also spent some time reading in Vanessa's blog (Cross Dresser Heaven) about her thoughts on Amy Bloom's book, Normal.  Vanessa remarks how the author is dissing the heterosexual crossdresser as lacking the courage to act on their TG desires.  Frankly, imho, the author has no clue as to what goes on in our minds.  I'm not looking for a gender change.  I want only the opportunity to let my inner female loose for a while.  She's been penned up and repressed for a long time.  Now that I've found her, I want to nurture her and give her the chance to grow some.  Is that normal??  Absolutely it is normal for me.

I gave up a long time ago trying to define normal for those around me.  Frankly, I have come to believe that normal is and by rights needs to be a personal decision.  My normal is my normal and you can't go judging me by the standards of your normal.

My friend and mentor, Mistress S., wrote recently about a bad experience with someone who tried to define her by his wishes.  That's abusive in the purest fashion.  So for the "normal" folks out there, don't mess around with me or judge me as you think I should be.  If you can't accept that my normal is what it is, get the F*** out of my space!!

Adventures Awaiting the Novice Cross Dresser

I can remember as a child walking in my mother's and father's shoes.  Such little feet slipped all the way down into my mom's pumps and walking around was not too difficult unless you caught the heel on something and tumbled.  As an adult I find that walking in heels is more like ice skating with low top skates.  It's the side to side wobble that will get you if you don't watch out.  I have gained great admiration for anyone who can run, dance, jump or power walk in heels.

Applying makeup is surely an art and I can believe too that when you take off your bifocals and try to work in the mirror that completing the job and looking presentable could well be a miracle.

Where does that little stripe of fingernail polish hide in your cuticle and lie in wait only to slip out unannounced 3 days later??

OK, I'm sure that genetic girls have been practicing these things since they were preteens and have spent untold hours in the bathrooms and at friends places working on their look, their hip action in platforms and their fashion sense.  That just means that the novice cross dresser must be dedicated to hard work, a keen eye, great balance and grace as well as much trial and error.  No worries, I'm up to it!

I actually purchased a set of ebooks - The World's Best Cross-Dressing Guide - and have begun my home study.  I'll put a link to it in my sidebar if you'd like to have more information.  I can also practice my female voice while reading it to myself.

So much to do in LeeLee's World. :)

The First Time

Once I'd set the date for my first venture into cross dressing under the guidance of Mistress S., I had to decide what I needed to acquire so that I could actually have some clothes, etc. to cross dress with.  Funny, that hadn't really crossed my mind until we had confirmed our session.

Thank goodness for the internet and Google.  I had no idea how much information is available for searches like "cross dresser clothing" or "plus size lingerie" or just "cross dresser".  As with so many things on the internet, much sifting was needed to find a few good sites for quick and discreet purchasing.  My first venture was to a local shop specializing in adult toys and clothing.  Taboo is its name and the girls who work there were a big help.  So out I came with some fishnet thigh highs and a crocheted body stocking.  Stretchy stuff kept me from having to figure out what women's sizes really meant.

Next I headed to eBay and found a wig shop from the midwest that had a great sale going on.  Synthetic wigs in lots of styles and colors for under $20.  With such a good deal on the wig I splurged on the shipping and got it via express mail.  Shoes next!  As in my first "live-and-in-person" shopping trip for things femme at Taboo, this trip proved exciting as well.  I went to a discount shoe store and shopped boldly armed with my proper shoe size (thanks to Euro sizes and conversion charts on the internet)  I found a really cute pair of gold sandals with a 2 inch heel (I hoped that I could walk in them without injury).  A little basic makeup from a stash of samples gave me enough supplies to be ready for my first time experience with Mistress S.

The night before I was excited about the encounter and sleep come slowly.  The next morning I had some butterflies but over the past week this had seemed more and more right for me, so I packed up my things and headed off to my first time.

After navigating through gridlock from an accident on the interstate, I finally arrive nearly on time and meet my new mentor at the door of her building.  We greeted and I unpacked my things to show her what I'd gathered together.  In our email communications Mistress S. had asked me how I would like to proceed in our session and being so novice, I had told her that I would be happy to let her plan the way she would like to take me.  Her suggestion of guiding me through dressing and learning makeup techniques sounded great for a start.

She opened up the body stocking and helped me get it on (I'll write more about the adventures of dressing for the first time in my next post).  She then did my makeup while I tried to follow what she was doing so that I could practice on my own later.  The wig and shoes were next and a necklace and earrings I'd made and brought completed my outfit for the day.  I did indeed manage to walk to the mirror to check out my new self without injury but I knew that I'd need to learn more of the tricks for walking in heels.  Mistress S. suggested that she could do my nails and I agreed quickly.  She used the same polish she had on and then showed me how to dry them.  

I was pleased with how comfortable I felt in my new LeeLee persona.  We did some walking practice and I found that walking in heels requires placing your foot down much differently than you'd walk in men's shoes.  It's mostly backwards from the heel-toe step that I was used to.  This required more of a toe-heel step that puts the ball of your foot down first for stability.  A few times across the room and back and I began to get the hang of it.  My exam came when I had to carry a cup of hot tea from the kitchen to the sofa. I passed!! (the walking exam that is!)

Most of the rest of our time was spent alternately talking and improving my walk.  Soon I was pretty much comfortable with walking using a little hip action.  Mistress S. let me use her crop to add some attitude to my walk and that was a breakthrough moment.  LeeLee was real and she could strut :)  Maybe LeeLee will become a CD-Dom one day but you will have to stay tuned to find out.

Shortly,  it was time to remove the polish and gloss to return to the real world.  But the truth is that the real world changed for me that day.  LeeLee's world was created and she will change my life in untold ways.  There will only be one first time but I'm certain that there will be abundant new experiences to explore as I spend time in LeeLee's world.

Why Now??

Sometimes a plan just comes together, even if you didn't have a plan.  Strange as that sounds it is often true as we live our lives.  Whether you call it the stars "lining up just right" or that it was "just meant to be" or as in my case a simple "congruence of events" that led me to a door that I had kept closed for a long, long time.  Two months ago I had no plans to explore cross dressing and yet today I have acquired several outfits, some lingerie (plain as well as sexy), a wig, shoes, makeup and silicon breastforms and a new name - Leelee!

The actual events that merged into need and desire for this new me are truly not important.  It is sufficient to say that the demands on my time by others was enormous and compelling.  None of them could be ignored and I soon found myself riding a tsunami that required me to give so much of me to others that I was neglecting myself to my detriment.  I must say again that all of those demands and needs were real and absolutely required me to give what was needed as best I could.

One night, late, I was reading some posts on an adult board and came upon Mistress S.  She had linked to her blog and I began to browse through a few weeks of posts and some of her specialties as an idea sprouted.   I contacted her by email and inquired about whether she could assist me in learning to become a cross dresser.  Her reply and subsequent emails all assured me that she would be very willing to lead me on this new adventure.  So from sprout to blossoms, a cross dresser in spirit became a cross dresser in fact.

Mistress S. has given me so much support and encouragement in the short time I've known her that I can hardly express my sense of gratitude.  I said in a previous post that I found a girl to girl relationship was an extraordinary experience and one that I'd never imagined.  I look forward to allowing my LeeLee to grow and become stronger.

A couple more thoughts about my past as it led to my present.  I have always been attracted to certain feminine things.  Makeup, especially eye and lip colors, has held great fascination for me.  Once or twice I have "dressed up"  in the privacy of an empty house and enjoyed it.  I have never entertained the notion of dressing up around someone else until now.  Things transgender were often appealing but I did not see myself in such a role until now.  Over the course of time and work and raising a family, these fascinations and TG dabblings were pushed away and nearly forgotten until now.

Sometimes a plan just comes together, even if you didn't have a plan.  Happily!

To Pass or Not??

I have come to know that what motivates a cross dresser to dress femme varies widely.  If the desire is to pass as female while working, shopping, clubbing, etc., then the approach to cross dressing becomes far different than if you only wish to be female for a while and then resume your normal role as male.  For myself, I wish only to explore my female self and find a few friends - or even just one - who will share these times with me.  Crossing in my day-to-day life would be unacceptable to those who matter to me and so I have chosen to seek a safe place to take on my female self and allow those few who are accepting of this to be my friends and encouragers.  Surely you can dress up in the privacy of your empty home, but there is a social void that makes cross dressing alone  unsatisfying for me.

What I have discovered is that having a friend who is a girl to guide me has given me a completely new sense of self as a female.  This one person who has enabled me and empowered me has also shown me the dawning of a relationship with a girl as a girl.  That girl to girl relation has provided me with a sense of affection that doesn't exist in my male to male or male to female relations.  It is extraordinarily unique and pleasing and for that I am so grateful to her.  I will share more about her and how I came to find her just as I will share what brought me to this point after so many years of putting it out of my mind as I write future posts.

Getting To Know Me

This will be short because it's late.  I am new to the world of cross dressing but it has been in my head for many years it seems.  I'll use this blog to delve into what drives me to explore this experience and hopefully what I am learning about myself in the process.  I will share experiences and what resources I am finding to enable myself as a cross dresser.